


nineteen days without you is nineteen days too much

by dydrmrnghtthnkr



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Death, Fluff, M/M, Post Apocalyptic AU, Romance, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 23:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10627632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dydrmrnghtthnkr/pseuds/dydrmrnghtthnkr
Summary: Otabek is nine when he has his first near death experience during an experiment.-In which Otabek and Yuri are experiments in a post-apocalyptic world.





	

_3284 days_

 

Otabek is nine when he has his first near death experience during an experiment.

 

At least, he thinks it’s the first. He can’t be sure. Otabek can’t remember many things, but he thinks he would’ve remembered something like this.

At first, everything goes normally. One of the guards comes to fetch him from his room. It’s white walled and cold and Otabek hates it. So even though he doesn’t like experiments, he goes easily because he doesn’t want to get locked in the room again.

(Otabek learned his lesson the last time. He wishes he could forget, but his mind, broken and battered as it is by relentless experimentation, simply refuses to. But he’ll forget anything else, even the name of his main doctor. Otabek got tired of asking and learning and always forgetting. So he stopped asking and the doctor stopped telling and in the end that was good for both of them.)

 

He gets walked down a hallway, to a room full of machines and wires and all the things he isn’t supposed to touch. They lie him down on a cot, as cold as everything else there, and tell him to relax. He tenses up every time. Then there are cold gloved fingers on his neck and someone is slipping a needle into his skin and it goes black.

(He’s not sure how many experiments he’s gone through like this. But it must be a lot, if he knows the procedure.)

 

Otabek dreams sometimes, when he’s under.

It’s always strange, and he always forgets. This dream is different though. It’s not quite as unreal. He thinks that if he held it in his head long enough, maybe it could be something. But he forgets, (he always does), and all he can remember is blue skies and gold sand and green eyes that draw him in and never let go. Then he wakes, and forgets that, too.

 

Waking up is awful. It always is. Usually Otabek opens his eyes and is assaulted by bright lights and the chatter of busy scientists. They give him water to drink and then await the test results. Today, he wakes to silence. He opens his eyes and yawns. There’s an outbreak of noise when he does so. Someone shrieks and there’s a dull thud, as if someone had fainted and hit the floor.

Finally, a boy with bright, relieved eyes and a wide smile explains, “We thought you’d died!”

Another scientist, a girl this time, tells him about how his heart had almost stopped, how he’d almost stopped breathing.

“In any case,” his doctor says, “we won’t be putting you under for a while. We can’t have something like this happen again.”

Shame, Otabek thinks. He wouldn’t mind going under again. It feels safe, almost, in the dark. Nobody can hurt him there. But Otabek knows it shouldn’t feel safe, so he keeps his mouth shut and nods in agreement.

A guard leads him back to his room. On the way, they pass a young boy. The boy has angry green eyes and long blond hair and Otabek knows suddenly, that he’s seen the boy before. Except he hasn’t. Because his guard whispers, “Yuri, that’s his name. New, we’ll see if he’s got what we need.” He doesn’t elaborate, and Otabek doesn’t bother asking for more information. He’d just forget anyways.

 

Otabek stares at the ceiling from his cot that night and tries to remember. Anything, anything at all. But he can’t (of course he can’t), so Otabek closes his eyes and tries to sleep.

 

(He dreams of lush green forests, of smog-free skies and roses and clear water. He tells the guard that brings him breakfast about it. She laughs, and says, “If only that were the case. But a dream is just a dream. Not real. I’m glad of that in my case. Y’know, I had the worst dream the other night...”

Otabek nods along and tries to pretend like he cares about her nightmare. But he keeps thinking about how she said, “Not real,” and whispers the words to himself even when she’s gone. Not real, he reminds myself. So Otabek closes his eyes and doesn’t try to remember. By the end of the day, he’s forgotten.)

 

-

 

_2906 days_

 

Otabek is ten when he goes outside for the first time.

 

Well, he guesses he’s been outside lots of times, according to the doctors. But simulations don’t count. Make-believe surroundings can’t compare to being outside for real. So really, it is his first proper time outside. Otabek is understandably excited when a guard comes to his room and tells him they’re going outside.

He waits for Otabek patiently, then takes him down the hall. He punches numbers into a keypad beside a door Otabek hadn’t noticed before (or maybe he had, and just forgotten) and leads him down another hallway. They walk until they reach another door. Two guards stand next to it. They have guns and stern faces and Otabek is instantly afraid. But his guard simply smiles and flashes an ID badge and he tells Otabek that he has an hour outside. Then Otabek is walking out of the door.

 

Otabek has heard so many stories about the world beyond the building he’s come to know as home that he doesn’t know what to expect. Everyone has a different word they associate with the outside.

For Otabek, it’s “disappointing.”

Maybe it’s because simulations show oceans, mountains, green grass and blue skies, fields of flowers. But he should’ve known. Simulations aren’t real.

The scene before him is unlike any of the simulations he remembers. Otabek sees smoky skies and cracked ground and a sun that casts a blistering glare. The ground is uncomfortably hot beneath his feet. His first intake of breath causes him to cough and cough and cough.

 

“Awful, isn’t it?”

Otabek turns around. A boy stands before him, lips curved into a smile that is equal parts bitter and equal parts sad. He looks familiar.

“Yes,” Otabek says. “It is.”

The boy looks more closely at him, first at the way the grey clothing (the same kind everyone wears when they’re not in uniform) hangs loose around his limbs and then at his face. Otabek fights a blush as the boy stares shamelessly at his face, as if he’s trying to memorize every detail. Otabek allows himself to observe the other boy as well. He has long blond hair and green eyes and a skinny frame. He looks around Otabek’s age. The boy meets Otabek’s eyes then. Otabek doesn’t know what he sees there, but it must satisfy him, because the boy smiles again. It’s still bitter, and it’s still sad, but somehow less so.

 

“My name is Yuri.” He says.

And Otabek thinks for a moment, that he’s heard that name before. That he’s seen those eyes before.

“Have we met before?” Otabek asks, carefully.

Yuri blinks. “You don’t remember?” He laughs a little then. “No, I guess you wouldn’t,” he says, almost as if to himself. It’s not mean the way he says it, and while normally it would make Otabek bristle, now he just smiles sheepishly.

“It wasn’t anything big,” Yuri says. “We passed each other in the hallway once. That’s it.” He pauses before adding, “And sometimes I see you in the laboratory. But you’re always under, so you wouldn’t know about that.”

“Oh,” Otabek says, unsure of what to say. “Well, I’m Otabek.”

“Yup,” Yuri nods. “The Simulation Boy.”

“What do you mean?” Otabek asks, coughing.

“You’ll get used to all the stuff in the air after a bit. Then you won’t cough so much. And Simulation Boy? You don’t know?”

He sighs. Otabek is tired of not knowing. “I don’t,” he replies.

Yuri looks at him, something in his eyes Otabek can’t identify. He doesn’t say anything for a while. Finally, he says, “That’s something to talk about later then. For now, let’s just enjoy being outside.”

Otabek wants to protest. He wants to know. But Yuri looks almost upset, so Otabek doesn’t press.

They spend the rest of the hour in silence. When it’s time to go, Yuri waves and says goodbye. Otabek waves back.

 

-

 

_2542 days_

 

Otabek is eleven when they attempt to change the experiments.

 

“We need to adjust the shot so instead of just falling asleep, you end up in a predetermined dream. We’ll choose an image and show it to you. If you end up where the picture is while you're under, it's a success,” the head scientist explains.

 

Otabek dreads it. But he smiles and nods and says he understands. They hook him up to a machine and give him the shot and right before he drifts, they show him a picture of a wooden cottage. Blue skies, green grass, a garden in the front yard and a cobblestone path. He thinks of the image and tells himself not to forget. Then he's drifting away into the familiar black.

 

“It didn't work,” someone says.

“We’ll have to start over completely,” another says, despairingly.

Otabek wakes up to find himself connected to a smoking mess of a machine, frayed wires and molten metal.

“What happened?” He asks. He can't remember dreaming of the image.

The head doctor tells him the machine couldn't handle it. They'll need to build a new, better one.

 

(Otabek can't help but wonder what would happen if he told them he couldn't handle it, if they'd replace him with someone better.)

 

A guard tells him that they won't be able to conduct anymore experiments for quite a while.

“Anywhere you want to go in the meanwhile?” She asks, almost jokingly. Otabek thinks.

He's not sure if he's allowed to visit other people, but he asks, “Can I visit Yuri?”

She stares at him in surprise. “I'll ask,” she finally says.

 

The next day, he's escorted to Yuri’s room.

 

The boy is yelling when they arrive. He tells someone to shove a foot somewhere less than pleasant, screaming all the while. Then Yuri catches sight of Otabek and stops mid-threat.

“Otabek,” he says, breathless.

“Hi,” Otabek says carefully. “I can go if this isn't a good ti-”

“No no no,” Yuri rushes to say. “This is good.”

A guard, presumably the one Yuri was screeching at earlier, sneers at Yuri.

“You'll pay for this,” he says, gingerly feeling his cheek. Otabek hadn’t noticed before, but Yuri’s knuckles are bruised.

Yuri scoffs. “Yeah, whatever.”

The guard shoots one last venomous look before angrily stalking out of the room.

 

Silence blankets the room. Otabek looks around. Yuri’s room is a copy of his own, white walled and cold. The only difference is that there are books on the nightstand and stuffed cats on the bed. It must be nice to own things, Otabek decides.

Finally, Yuri says, “Why are you here?”

It’s blunt and to the point. Otabek appreciates that.

“They broke the machine they need to conduct experiments. They said I can go wherever since I’m not needed for now, so I asked to see you,” he says simply.

Yuri flushes. “T-that’s good.”

“But if you don’t want me here I can leave,” Otabek offers again. He doesn’t want to make Yuri uncomfortable.

The blond shakes his head.

So Otabek stays.

  


They decide to draw. Yuri doesn’t have any games, and neither of them feels much like reading. But he has scraps of paper and stubs of colored pencils so they make do.

It’s awkward. Otabek doesn’t know what to talk about. Neither does Yuri. They sit in an uncomfortable silence interrupted only by the sounds of pencil scratching against paper.

Otabek wonders if it was a mistake coming here at all. But when his guard comes to collect him, Yuri goes bright red and asks if he’ll come back tomorrow. Otabek says yes, if they’ll let him. Yuri smiles as he says goodbye.

 

(The next day, they talk a little bit more. The day after that, even more. Otabek wonders if this is what they call having a friend.)

 

-

 

_2180 days_

 

Otabek is twelve when Yuri introduces Yuuri and Victor to him.

 

The experiments have still been put on hold. Otabek misses the black a little bit, getting to think and feel nothing at all, but it’s alright. He gets to spend his days with Yuri now.

 

Today they’re in Otabek’s room.

 

Yuri brings cat plushes (“That’s Mila, the red one. The one that looks like he’s crying is Georgi. And the grandfather cat is named Yakov.”) and a warm blanket that is quite possibly the fluffiest thing Otabek has ever felt in his life.

Yuri asks, “What do you want to do?” once they’re comfortably wrapped up in the blanket.

Otabek takes a closer look at the boy sitting next to him. Yuri has a bruise on his neck and his knuckles and he winces when he moves his left arm. Otabek wants to talk about that, to ask about what happened. But he knows Yuri doesn't want to talk about it.

So Otabek says he wants to hear about Before. Otabek knows about Before from his guards but he wants to hear about it from Yuri, who knows about Before from books and pictures.

Yuri obliges.

“For one, people didn't need to wear masks if they stayed outside for longer than two hours. There was something called rain. It's when water falls from the clouds. Oh right, there were clouds. They looked like cotton balls. The sun didn't used to always shine during the day.”

Yuri talks and talks and talks. Otabek knew about some things already, like cats and green grass. But he didn't know about the moon, or the stars, or the planets. He didn't know people were allowed to keep pets, or that clothes were all types of colors, not just grey.

Yuri’s launching into a discussion about all the different cat breeds there used to be (“I have a book about it! I'll bring it next time.”) when there's a knock at the door.

 

“Come in,” Otabek says. He doesn’t need to unlock the door. Experiments don’t get to have locked doors.

Two people enter. First a man with dark hair and dark eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses. After him is a man with blue eyes and silver hair. They wear white coats.

 

“Otabek,” Yuri says, “this is Mr. Katsuki and Mr. Nikiforov.” The blond has tensed up next to him.  He covers his neck with his hand.

Otabek shoots a worried look at Yuri before saying hello.

The man with the glasses smiles warmly. “Please, no need to call me Mr. Katsuki. Yuuri is fine.”

The silver-haired man smiles as well. “And I prefer Victor. It’s good to meet you Otabek. Yuri,” he says, gesturing to the blond, “talks about you a lot.”

Yuri flushes beside him. “Shut up,” he hisses, removing his hand from his neck to stick a finger up that makes Victor gasp in horror.

“Yurio! You aren’t old enough to make those gestures!” Then his voice takes on a more serious tone. “And what’s that on your neck?”

Yuuri sighs. “Are you getting into fights? With who? You aren’t sneaking out of the building are you?”

Yuri doesn’t look at them. Otabek gently takes his hand.

Victor furrows his brow. “Yuri, we need to go work on your tests. But don’t think we aren’t talking about this later!”

He gives Otabek an apologetic look. “Sorry, I don’t think you guys can hang out anymore today.”

Otabek says it’s fine and watches them lead Yuri out. His hand feels empty.

 

The next day, Yuri has more bruises.

 

-

 

_1813 days_

 

Otabek is thirteen when he gets his first nickname.

 

It comes from the team of scientists who supervise the rebuilding of the machine. It’s still not done. Otabek doesn’t know why until he hears someone say that the person who designed it last time is dead. They don’t know how to continue. Otabek feels bad for smiling when he hears. The smile drops immediately when a shrill voice calls for Experiment 1031. It takes him a while to figure out she means him.

He walks towards her, numb. He lets her poke and prod at him.

She asks him how he feels. Otabek tells her he’s fine.

She takes his measurements.

She asks him to perform some basic exercises and writes on a clipboard as he does.

When she says he’s free to go, he runs and runs and runs. Otabek doesn’t care where he goes, as long as it’s somewhere far far away from the lab. He stumbles blindly down the halls and finally, into a room. It feels familiar, and only when he curls up on the bed and inhales does he realize why. It’s Yuri’s scent. Otabek breathes in deeper and lets himself fall asleep.

  


“Otabek,” someone says. They sound familiar. Otabek just buries his head in under the covers more furiously.

“Otabek,” they say again, exasperated. He ignores it.

“Otabek, come on. If you nap now you won’t be able to get to bed later.”

He reluctantly turns in the direction the voice was coming from. Yuri leans against the wall, fidgeting with his hair.

“What’s wrong?” Otabek rasps. “You look worried. Did something happen?”

Yuri frowns. “Other than me finding you here with tear stains on your face? Nothing.”

Otabek winces.

“What happened?” Yuri crosses the room and sits on the bed. His warmth is comforting.

He doesn’t know how to explain it. But he tries to. Otabek takes a deep breath. “Well, I was called over for something. And the woman…she called me by a number. Experiment 1031. I don’t want to be known as a number.”

Yuri doesn’t say anything for a long time. Then he crawls over and sets himself next to Otabek, half on his arm.

“You’re way more than just a number, Beka.”

Otabek is suddenly glad that Yuri has his eyes closed, because his face is on fire.

“Thanks,” he says, his voice shaky.

“Sure,” Yuri says, yawning. “I’m tired. Go back to bed, Beka.”

Otabek isn’t sure if he’s supposed to go back to his own room. But Yuri slings an arm around him. Otabek guesses that means he should stay put. He doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but Yuri’s soft breathing and the warmth he provides makes it easy to sink into sleep. His last thought before he falls asleep is that he likes his second nickname _much_ better than the first.

 

(When Otabek wakes up, Yuri is already awake. He’s reading a book on ice skating, a sport they had Before.

“Good, you’re awake,” Yuri says, snapping the book shut. “We need to go have dinner. Remember? Cafeteria?”

Otabek sits up and stretches. That’s right. They’re allowed to eat with everyone else now. “Alright Yura,” he mumbles. He climbs out of bed sleepily.

Yuri stares. “Wait, Otabek! Did you just- Otabek you can’t just leave!”

Otabek just smiles and walks on.

 

Later, Yuri blushes and says, “You know, you can call me ‘Yura’ more often. If you want.”

Otabek grins.)

 

-

 

_1445 days_

 

Otabek is fourteen when he sneaks out of the building for the first time.

 

He’s just escaped a test (they’re still trying to fix their machine, and of course he’s the tester) when he runs into Yuuri and Victor.

He’s glad he remembers them. Not undergoing any more experiments has helped his memory a lot.

“Otabek,” Victor greets, smiling widely.

“Hi,” Otabek responds.

“Want to go hang out on the roof with us?” Yuuri asks, excitement lighting his eyes out.

Otabek thinks about if he should be doing this. He’s not supposed to go outside without permission. But then he looks at the bright smiles and says, “Yes.”

 

(It’s a lot easier than he thought. They go up flights of stairs until they reach a rusty door. It takes strength to open but there’s no need for ID or anything like that. Otabek hopes he won’t forget.)

 

He regrets his decision immediately. Being cooped up in his room would be preferable to third-wheeling. Victor and Yuuri are sickening, the way they wrap themselves in each other. He doesn’t know how he could’ve missed it before, how absolutely in love they are.

 

They try to include him in the conversation of course, but Victor keeps his eyes on Yuuri’s and Yuuri is a permanent shade of pink as he tries to pretend like he isn’t looking at Victor’s lips.

 

Otabek is officially done when Yuuri and Victor end up making out, right there on the roof. He quickly escapes the situation. He could’ve gone through life without seeing _that_ , he thinks, suppressing a shudder.

 

(Otabek wonders, for just a moment, what it would be like if he and Yuri were as in love as Victor and Yuuri are.)

 

-

 

_1083 days_

 

Otabek is fifteen when he realizes he’s doomed.

 

All it takes is a smile.

He’s just casually minding his own business, lazily tossing a balled-up sheet of paper up and down when Yuri demands his attention.

“Otabek!”

“Yes?”

“I’m bored,” Yuri whines. “Let’s do something not boring!”

Otabek stares at him blankly.

Yuri shoots him a bright smile. “Pleeaaase?”

Yuri looks so adorable Otabek has to pretend to drop the ball. He dives for it, hiding his blush and willing his heartbeat to slow down.

“Yeah okay,” he says, willing his voice to steady. “What do you want to do?”

Yuri grins again, and Otabek swears he nearly dies right then and there. “Tag, you’re it!”

Yuri runs out, laughing all the while, and Otabek yells, “You’re fifteen!”

“You’re never too old for tag!”

So Otabek gets up and runs after him without another question. Yup. He is _doomed_.

 

-

 

_715 days_

 

Otabek is sixteen when he finds out the truth about the experiments.

 

He’s curled up in a blanket with Yuri, sitting on the edge of the rooftop even though both of them should be in bed. The sky is dark. Otabek wishes he could see stars.

 

“Do you remember,” Yuri says, unusually serious, “when I said that you were the Simulation Boy?”

Otabek nods. It’s hazy, but he remembers.

Yuri takes a deep breath. “Well, I called you that because of the experiments.”

Otabek doesn’t get it. He says so, and Yuri sighs.

“They’re experimenting because they want to be able to transport people into simulations.”

Otabek doesn’t know what expression he’s wearing, but if it reflects what he’s feeling, he must look incredibly confused.

“Yeah,” Yuri says, “I know. It’s ridiculous. Like, our world is plenty messed up. And they think since the real world is so messed up, it would be better for them to transport us to fake world.”  
He laughs, strained and tight and pained. Yuri takes another deep breath, hands tugging at the ends of his hair. “A-and they didn’t even tell you! Otabek, they tore you apart. They’re still doing it! And you…”

Yuri grits his teeth and furiously wipes at his eyes. Otabek wants to hug him, to wipe those tears away and to tell him it’s okay. But Yuri needs this, needs to talk uninterrupted. So Otabek stays where he is.

“You don’t deserve this shit. You’re too good, Beka. You deserve so much better. You deserve to live in a world where you aren’t just another experiment.”

And then Yuri is crying crying crying but he continues talking.

“A-and I never told you what experiment I am. They’re trying to make me perfect. If they can do it to me, they can do it to everyone right? What’s the good in a world where everybody is imperfect right? So the bruises, the cuts- it’s all them! Because perfect people can handle pain and then the only reason they let me near you is because perfect people know how to fucking socialize. A-and they want me to be more muscular, they want me to be stronger. They want me to be all of these things and I’m not. So they train me and they hurt me if I’m not learning fast enough because perfect people have to be fast fucking learners. I’m not perfect or anything special and I fucking know that already why don’t they fucking get that and that’s fine but they keep on goddamn reminding me and I never wanted to be perfect, not their definition of it but they won’t stop and oh hell Beka don’t cry. Please don’t cry it’s okay Beka come on don’t cry Yuuri and Victor don’t know about it but they help anyways it’s alright really I’m fine-”

Otabek can’t stop himself from hugging Yuri, so he doesn’t. Yuri stiffens at first, then relaxes. Otabek pulls away slightly and gently tilts Yuri’s head up.

He doesn’t know how to tell Yuri that there’s no such thing as a perfect person, that he wants to take Yuri away so they can never hurt him again, that Otabek wants to curl up in a ball and cry because he’s gotten used to seeing Yuri wrapped up in bandages. Otabek doesn’t know how to tell him that Yuri doesn’t have to change a single thing if he doesn’t want to, that he’s perfectly fine the way he is.

So Otabek looks into Yuri’s eyes and hopes somehow, that he’ll get the message. And he thinks that maybe Yuri does, because he breathes in sharply, green eyes wide. He pulls Otabek closer till they’re forehead to forehead. Then they’re nose to nose and mouth to mouth and Otabek is on fire. Yuri pulls away, looks him straight in the eyes, and whispers “Thank you,” before crashing their lips together again.

 

Otabek walks Yuri back to his room. He hugs him tight. Yuri’s turning to go in when Otabek remembers.

“Yura,” he says.

Yuri looks at him. “Yeah?”

“Yuuri and Victor…were they doing this to you?” He fights to keep his voice from shaking.

“No. They’re focused purely on the educational aspect of perfection. Nobody will tell them about the physical aspect.” Yuri takes his hand. “It’s alright, Beka.”

Otabek doesn’t think so. But he presses a kiss to Yuri’s forehead and says goodnight and hopes things will be better in the morning.

 

(Yuri eats breakfast in Otabek’s room with a black eye. Otabek fights the urge to cry.)

 

-

 

_203 days_

 

Otabek is seventeen when the first death happens.

 

It’s not the first death to ever occur in the compound, not by a long-shot. But it’s the first one Otabek cares about. He learns about it from Yuri, who drags him into a storage closet. Otabek has tests to participate in, scientists to appease, but Yuri looks incredibly upset. Otabek decides very quickly that the scientists can go fuck themselves.

 

“What’s wrong, Yura?”

Yuri looks at him. His eyes are wild and he’s shaking. Otabek wraps an arm around him.

“He died,” Yuri whispers.

Otabek feels himself grow cold. “Who?”

“Yuuri.”

 

For a while Otabek just stares into nothing, unable to process it. Then he forces his lips to move, and asks, “How?”

Yuri presses himself closer into Otabek’s side. He takes a shuddering breath.

“He found out. Beka, he found out. About the making me perfect. And he was so mad. He said he refused to work on it anymore. And Victor tried to convince him to slow down, think about it a little, but he went straight to the higher-ups.”

Yuri hiccups, then continues.

“And they said if he didn’t cooperate, they’d k-kill him. He refused even then. And they…”

Yuri can’t finish the sentence, but Otabek can fill the blanks in.  

It hurts to ask the next question, but Otabek does anyway.

“Victor? Is he…?”

Yuri shakes his head. “He’s alive, but they’re keeping him in confinement. They want to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. He was…he was pretty upset when he heard.”

 

Yuri lets himself cry then, sobs that wrack his body. Otabek cries with him.

“I- Beka I can’t handle this. Distract me,” Yuri says, voice cracking.

Otabek lets Yuri press kisses into his skin and holds him close.

“It’ll be okay, you’ll see. We’ll be okay,” Otabek says.

 

He doesn’t know who he’s trying to convince, Yuri or himself.

 

-

 

_43 days_

 

Otabek is seventeen when Victor is finally released from his confinement.

 

He sees him in the hallways when Victor is being escorted back to his own quarters.

 

If he hadn’t known it was Victor, Otabek doesn’t think he would’ve recognized him. His silver hair is dirty and matted. It’s longer now, obscuring one eye completely. His visible blue eye is glassy, unseeing. The grey clothes swamp Victor’s frame. He’s lost weight, too much weight. When he sees Otabek, he smiles, tight and strained.

“Otabek.” Victor says.

“Hi Victor,” Otabek tries to smile.

“You don’t have to pretend for me,” he says. “Nothing’s okay anymore, so what’s the point of acting like it is?”

Otabek doesn’t know what to say.

A guard tugs at Victor.

He gives Otabek a forced smile. “I have to go now. But tell Yura I said hi.”

Then Victor is gone and Otabek wonders how things could have gone so wrong.

  


In the end, he doesn’t even get to tell Yuri Victor said hi. Because Yuri walks into the room with red eyes and tells him that Victor said goodbye to him. Right before he jumped off the roof.

 

“They said he was better,” Yuri says, rocking back and forth. “But he wasn’t, not at all.”

Otabek swallows hard. “I know.”

“And,” Yuri says, “now he’s gone. And he’s never coming back.”

Otabek wraps Yuri up in a hug.

Yuri continues talking, mumbling words into the grey fabric of Otabek’s shirt.

“I hope he’s happy, Beka. I really really do.”

“Me too, Yura. Me too.”

 

-

 

_19 days_

 

Otabek is seventeen when he wishes he could forget.

 

Yuri wakes him up, as usual.

“Time for breakfast,” he says yawning.

Otabek stubbornly refuses to budge. “It’s too early,” he says.

“Alright, you lazy ass,” Yuri says, almost affectionately. “I’ll go get some food. You stay put.”

There’s a rustle of movement as Yuri eases himself off the bed. He’s barely been gone for a minute when he comes back.

“Sorry Beka,” he says, looking confused, “apparently I’m needed for a test? You’ll have to get your own breakfast today?”

“Alright Yura,” Otabek says, sitting up.

“Be good,” Yuri smirks, leaning in for a quick kiss before leaving.

 

Yuri doesn’t come back for lunch.

It’s only when Otabek eavesdrops on a conversation between two scientists during dinner that he learns what’s happened.

“Yuri, the angry one, you know him?”

“Yeah, the perfect one.”

“Yeah so the guys in charge of the experiment decided he was hopeless. I mean, Katsuki and Nikiforov are dead. Nobody’s replaced them or anything, so if they continued, Yuri would be imperfect in one area.”

“But what is perfect? It seems like a strange idea.”

“Right? This experiment was doomed from the start. But they decided he was expendable. And well, he’s gone now.”

 

Otabek doesn’t bother listening any more. He knows what’s happened. He wants to cry, to scream, to hurt. But it’s hard to move, hard to do anything. Otabek stays there, sitting at an empty table until the guards have to carry him back to his room.

 

(He can’t fall asleep. It’s not the same without Yuri’s quiet breathing.)

 

-

 

_10 days_

 

Otabek doesn’t eat. He tries to, when he remembers. But then he also remembers that Yuri’s gone, and suddenly it becomes hard to swallow.

 

-

 

_6 days_

 

Someone tells him they’re close to being able to transport people into simulations. It’s a mess of words that Otabek doesn’t understand. He gets the gist of it when someone simplifies it though. The bodies won’t be transported, just the minds. They can live forever in the simulated mindscape. The simulated mindscape? Wherever you want it to be. Apparently, it can take you wherever you want. Otabek doesn’t care though. He just wants them to leave him alone.

 

-

 

_3 days_

 

The compound buzzes with excitement. A place has already been decided for them to be transported to. It’s got blue skies and green grass and clean air. Normally Otabek would want to go. But Yuri isn’t there, so what’s the point?

 

-

 

_1 day_

 

Everyone needs to memorize the image of the landscape they want to go to. In this case, the predetermined place. Otabek especially. He’ll be the first to go, the one to test the new technology first.

 

Otabek smiles. He knows where to go.

 

-

 

_0 days_

 

Otabek lies down and allows himself to be hooked up to the machines. The metal is cold. A needle slips into his skin. Someone says, “Remember, envision the place you want to be more than anything.”

 

So Otabek does. He thinks of a place with darkness, of not feeling and of not thinking. He thinks of death.

 

Otabek Altin is almost eighteen when he falls asleep and never wakes up again.

 

-

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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